Peace-making skills are such a core component of our learning and growing together at Chickadee. I use a particular approach with a series of steps, all of which help build problem-solving skills. These techniques are applicable across many situations, including at home, between siblings, and between parent and child. The more the children practice them, the more natural and effective they become.
The Peace Rug itself is a focus for the children, a dedicated place where they can sit to communicate and solve simple conflicts. The rug is also something you can incorporate at home. Ours is a simple multi-colored rag rug. Outside, we use the bench as a place to sit and work things out. It does help to have some special spot that your family agrees on – it becomes a support to the problem-solving ritual.
One of us sits in as a facilitator at the Peace Rug, until the children become experienced enough to do it themselves. As the children practice and become more comfortable talking this way, they begin to do it informally – especially when playing outside, where many small conflicts arise.
That’s our goal, of course – to help them begin to develop some self-reliance, flexibility, compassion, and empathy, in the face of the inevitable challenges of their young lives. And working with them, we adults begin to realize that the process helps us too!
Here are the steps:
Step One: the basic principles of the Peace Rug, which we read and review every time:
1. We listen to each other.
2. We care about each other’s feelings.
3. We use respectful language.
4. I remember that I am responsible for what I say and do.
Step Two: the particular way the children talk to each other – using what are called “I-messages”:
1. I say the person's name, and look at him or her.
2. I tell how I feel.
3. I tell what he or she did to make me feel that way.
4. I say what I want that person to do.
For instance, "Billy, I feel angry when you push ahead of me at the slide. I want you to be fair and take turns."
Step Three: the "Playing Fair Strategies." The children learn to pick the appropriate strategy to solve each conflict fairly. What will help?
Take turns, listen, talk it over, share, apologize, and/or get help from an adult.
Step Four: a choice of strategies children can use when they want to take turns in a fair way. The best is simply the one that works for the children involved:
Flip a coin, short straw, rock scissors paper, or hands on the bat (we use the longest red rod.)
Step Five: the Peace Rug itself. It offers a place where the children talk about conflicts without fighting or hurting feelings. Both are responsible for solving the conflict. They find solutions that they both know are fair. At the Peace Rug we:
1. Tell the truth
2. Listen without interrupting, and give each person a chance to talk.
3. Do not blame or use mean words.
4. List ideas to solve the problem.
5. Choose the best solution.
When the participants agree the problem is resolved, they ring a little bell, put away the rug, and go on their way.
As the children get more skilled at handling things this way, they learn to solve problems without going through all the steps. But when they do work through the process, it is a wonderful thing to feel calmness return, to hear the magic of the bell, to see the light in their eyes. It really works.
